We have failed as parents!

Have you noticed that for the past ten years kids showing up at your front door have no clue about Halloween tradition? Ask every kid who rings your doorbell tonight what "trick or treat" means. Every one of them will say (cutely, unless it's one of the neighborhood teenagers who usually don't even bother with costumes) "candeee?"

We have failed as parents! These little goblins don't know they're supposed to scare us because we haven't trained them properly. We need to recover our national identity. This year, please, please, please instruct your children in proper Halloween etiquette. Show them how to appear menacing, how to threaten the mysterious trick should the homeowner not produce.

I shall do my part by opening the door with my usual Halloween roar and fierce aspect, costumed as a righteous tax collector. Once the kids take the step forward they've just lost, I'll tell them that I'll take the treat and start to reach into one of the bags. When they protest, I'll say "Get used to it, Captain Jack, this is America! You're going to have to learn to live with the fact that scary characters will take your hard-earned money as long as you live." (This remark usually brings applause from the parents shivering at the fringe of the flickering porch light.) Then we'll all have a good laugh, I'll put the Snickers in the bags, and wave goodnight.

I probably enjoy Halloween more than the kids. And I don't really think that all my hard-earned money is being taken by the scary characters every April. Just most of it.

So where did we get the tradition of dressing in costumes to ask for goodies? Beggars in Ireland began the tradition centuries ago when they made the rounds to visit the rich and ask for money (and threaten them with evil spirits if they didn't give!).